I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
