my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
