if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
