farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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