Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
NoShamevember. You game?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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