Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
