I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
