I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
