In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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