I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
