someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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