I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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