I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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