I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
