Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
