how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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