He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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