What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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