so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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