the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Still dying that you shit outside
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
