Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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