6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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