he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
