I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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