i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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