he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to be your penis for a week.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
