i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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