I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
