My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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