Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
