he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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