I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
