Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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