im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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