in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
