Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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