I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
