nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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