I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
