I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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