One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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