I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
false alarm, still single
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