I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We're too hungover to prance.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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