mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
