One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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