he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
