Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
