i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
