made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
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My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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