Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
