the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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