Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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