You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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