he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize