And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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