I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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