So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
