I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
