it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this boner is exhausting
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
