Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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