someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
